


Miss you dearly, sincerely me

by notgaystuff



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety, Awkwardness, Depression, Do-Over, Drug Use, Kinda, M/M, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, Suicide, kinda except Evan in chapter one he super dead, tw suicide in the first chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-03 13:56:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11533653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notgaystuff/pseuds/notgaystuff
Summary: Its too much for Evan to take after the Murphys, hes back to square one even more alone. He actually goes through and tries to kill himself. But attempt worked but instead of dying he wakes up back on the last day of summer. And Connor Murphys alive(do over au but I'm edgy and couldn't think of a better explanation)





	1. The edgy beginning of the end

He felt like hell. He should've known they wouldn't accept him. Who would? Hes a fucking lying werido. Who pretends and lies to someones family about their dead fucking son? He wants to disappear. When he gets home he turns off the engine and just sits there. Thinking. About all the people who hes let down. He cant think of one single person that isn't indifferent or disappointed in him. Hes really glad he had the fight with his mom about the Murphys now, it was another wedge between them he didn't need. He finally musters the strength to get out of his car and walks to the door. His mom is sitting at the kitchen table drinking something. Tea maybe? "Hows your other family." Her words fill the air like knifes. "fine" it's all he could get out. Its not like telling her the truth wont leave to another argument. "Good night" He hopes he just said it too softly because she doesn't respond. He gets to his room and sinks on the bed. Letting the wave of just pure saddness wash over him. He's alone. Again. Just like Evan hansen always will be. He dosent even mean to but he already crying its just so much. He barriers his face into his pillow. He knows he shouldn't feel like this, he knows he shouldn't even have the thought at the back of his head. But the feeling keeps growing. The thought of the Murplys the only people he felt accepted by hating him especially Zoe. His mother somehow becoming more and more distant with him. His "friend" who wouldnt probably even notice. He's worthless hell never amount to anything, he can't even talk to the fucking pizza guy to get food.He cant take it. He knows its weak but he also isnt stupid enough to not understand things will not get any better for him. He'll always be the social outcast the fact that he took Connor's and his fake friendship as far as he did is proof enough. Hes a freak. He waits untill 1am ish to get his things together he know he has to write his last letter he at least owes that to his mother.

Dear Mom, I'm sorry really. I'm sorry I never told you how I felt. I know I've let you down I just never knew how to actually tell you in words how I felt alone all the time. I felt trapped almost like I was behind a glass wall and no one ever heard me. I know you'll be better off with out me. I'm so so sorry I love you but If youre reading this then Im am well dead. please don't look for my body I don't want you to see that. 

Sincerely, your son who loves you. 

He can't work up the courage to write more so instead keeps it short. He grabs the nearest jacket off the chair and creeps out. He's not going to Ellison park this time he heads past straight up to the bridge over looking a massive drop down into the river below.If the impact doesn't kill him this time hell at least pass out and drown. The thought of it makes him sick but somehow its weirdly comforting to finally know this will be over. Things are finally gonna change. He gets there parking off to the side where cars usually park to camp. So no one will bother his car for at least a day or two, or his mom will find it. On the walk over he just keeps thinking over and over about how this will change things he already so close, he wont fuck this up like last time. He finally got to the edge. He didn't look down he couldn't. He just held on to the railing."So uh the last words of Evan hansen. " just like always he was at a lost for words... Just then everything under his skin the Murphys, his mom, being a social outcast, letting everyone down boiled over hitting him in waves.He's already crying. It's to much; He lets go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It gets more light hearted I swear.  
> Tell me if there's any grammar mistakes


	2. So this is hell..?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan wakes up with a cast but it's blank

He didn't really feel anything on the fall down. It was weirdly serine the fall itself. It was kinda ruined by the concrete impact of the water breaking his back. Then there was just black for a couple hours. It felt like he was dreaming, Evan doesn't really have dreams anyway other then black voids and nightmares. Thats mainly why he doesn't sleep much to began with other then yeah the Anxiety keeping him up. When he does finally wake up he's still screaming. He doesn't even really notice he jumps to his feet. Well he tries he sits up and gets tangled in his bed sheet pulling him to the floor. "wha- wha- what the-shit." Okay okay breathe. Okay he chokes on his on breath but after a minute hes finally okay. Okay enough to stand up and process that this is definitely his room, and hes not wearing his clothes from last night. He also notices that his arm has a cast on it and it's blank. The fall wouldn't have just left his arm broken. Plus shouldn't he be in a hospital? He looks outside his window and notices his neighbor, some old man Evan never bothered to meet, watering his lawn. He also notices his mom's car is already gone. Thats a little reassuring hes not alone in this purgatory. Wait is he a ghost? Oh god hes pacing he's a ghost. Wait he just messed up his bed, the sheets are on the ground. Ghost can't move stuff can they? He pinches him self. "ow. Yeah not a ghost." He grabs his phone off the nightstand its August 14, the last day of summer. "Whaaaa-" This can't be real. This all has to be a bad dream there's no way. Wait can't people go in to shock or something when they die? Like their brains create a facade or something of their life because its too much for their brain to take in? Yeah that what this has to be. He goes over to his computer. No... Saved in front of him was the letter from yesterday. He knows he doesn't remember any of it. Mainly because he remembers that later today is when his computer short circuited when he spilled water on it, that's kinda why he had to write his letter at the computer lab the next day... He looks over to his right. No fucking way. The cup of water,from he thinks the night before? Is sitting right there. He has to read the letter. He's shaking as he takes the mouse and hovers over the icon.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today's gonna be a great day! Summers almost over. What did you do over the summer? That's always fun when they ask that. At least you can say you broke your arm.... from falling out of a tree. Scratch that just tell them you broke it rock climbing or something cool. Its not like anyone's gonna ask. Maybe someone will sign it! That be cool. It's gonna be a awesome year Evan I can tell. 

Sincerely, me

All he can do is sit there and shake. Is this hell? He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't really care what time it is he calls his mom. "Hey honey whats up? You usually never call is something wrong" "Oh- oh no no nothings -uh the matter. I was just-uh calling to ask you to pick up -some -uh milk! milk on the way home." "Aww I thought I just got some. Yeah sure honey you want anything else? Need anymore back to school supplies?" He shifts at the mention. " Oh Yea-h no I'm good thanks.." "Okay I'll be home around 10. It's your last year honey I know its gonna be a great one! just bring your positive attitude right?" "Yeah thanks Mom. I love you" "Love you too hun see at home." He doesn't really know why he called to more out of panic then anything. Maybe to just to finally prove that this is real. This is all real. He doesn't why but he's back. Back before... Connor! Oh god that means Conner Murphy might be alive. He almost gets dress right then and heads over to the Murphy's, he knows the address by heart. But he can't he hasn't even talk to Zoe yet. He'd look like a psycho showing up to their house asking "Hey did your son kill himself yet or am I just making this stuff up". Oh god what if Connor's death, everything was a dream. He feels like he's going crazy he honestly doesn't know whats real anymore. OKAY okay breathe just breathe. What ever this is.. He's living in it and if Connor some how is still alive he has to stop him from killing himself no matter what. He only has one chance.

He didn't sleep at all that night he just keeps thing about what would happen and what he should say to Conner. He's exhausted he can barely get dressed in the morning.That's partly why he doesn't even notice whats her face talking to him. "Hey are you even listening" "O-oh yeah sounds- uh -tragic" "Rude I got three scholarships" Oh shit he forgot he didn't say anything about his arm "I- I didn't-" "It's whatever i know it's hard not to be jealous I don't blame you Marvin" "Its- Eva-" "Well have a good first day Marvin!" and she practically skips away. He barely has anymore time to wake up before Jared comes walking by. "Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jacking off so much or is it more of an honor?" "No way.." He mumbles "Yes way. You're probably the first documented case in the 21th century." "Y-you know- thats- thats not how." "Oh really I could see it now. You in the dark of your roo-" "Stop. " He raises his voice which he didn't think was possible. "Whoa I struck a nerve okay, I get it. " "Dose it- it really matter how?" "Yeah I guess youre right I don't really care either way. My summer was good thanks for asking. Got to second base with this chick in the israeli army. Dominated in capture the flag-." He starts to tune out because out of the corner of his eye he sees him. Connor Murphy alive. Walking around wearing those same grey skin tight jeans and that overly baggy jacket, in the flesh. Wait, oh no. "Oh Heyyy~ Conner loving the New Hair length. Its very school shooter Chic" He has to say something "Hey Jared why- why don't you shut up " Jared turns to him "Excuse me?" Its definitely the exhaustion mixed with adrenaline but he doesn't stop "Y-you heard me. Y-you look like- you came out of a 1992 home and goods magazine so- so one to talk. A- at least do us a favor and w-ear a bra.." He doesn't know what that was but Jared was just as shocked as him. He just stares at him, his mouth hung open until. "HAHHAHAHAH oh my GOD" He looks over and sees Conner laughing? "I'm dying. I'm glad someone finally told him to put the twins away hhaha ." Jared's face gets even redder "Fuck you both you're both freaks!" And he storms off leaving Conner and Evan alone in the hall becoming more and more late to class. "Hey." He says towards Evan, hopefully they're the only two left in the hall. "Oh- uh ye- yeah" He walks over towards Evan "Thanks for standing up for me back there." He partly extends his hand. "I'm Conner. Murphy by the way. You probably know me as the local psycho" Evan realizes he suppose to shake his hand and makes an awkward lose attempt at a handshake that last too long. "Oh- I'm- Uh.. Evan I'm Evan Hansen that's my name" "Oh Well nice meeting you Evan. I guess I'll be seeing you around." "Oh uh- yeah you too- Ill be seeing you around." "Cooool so I gotta actually go to class for once. see ya." With that Conner walks down the hall leaving Evan to wonder if that even helped, at least Conner wasn't the one calling him a freak

He doesn't really focus on any of his subjects that day,he already knows where the classes are but still almost gets lost twice just because of how distracted he is. He know's he need to write that letter in the computer lab. But he just doesn't know what to write. Last time Conner ran out and well... This the Letter had to be perfect.When he walks into the computer lab this time he actually notices Conner in the back of the lab. Listening to music writing something. Okay Evan just think. Don't mention Zoe at all.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Well its not gonna be a good day if you don't make it. You have one chance. It's not like Connors Murphy's gonna say anything if you don't talk to him just actually try for once. Don't mess this up Evan.

Sincerely, Me 

And...Print. Okay now all he as to do is- "So how'd you break your arm?" 

He jumped as he heard a familiar voice come up from behind. 

"Ah-oh." He was so distracted waiting he forgot to actually think of something to say when Conner talked to him. "Oh Sorry" Conner mumbles, he points to Evans cast" Your arm though how'd you break it?" "Oh- I -I fell out of a tree.." "Aha well that has to be the saddest thing I've ever fucking heard." O-h yeah... kinda is.." "No one's signed your cast yet?" "Oh- no - not really- You met- my only 'friend' Jared earlier. So-so yeah he didn't si-sign so." "Well here, you have a Sharpie?" He pulls out the one his mom gave him this morning. He reaches over and writes his name in large letters taking up the whole front side. It's so familiar. "O-h great thanks" This time he means it. "It's the least I could do after this morning. But hey this way both of us can pretend to have friends." Evan shifts a little not really knowing where to put his hands to look casual. "So I uh, found this on the printer its address to you." "Oh ye-yeah thats a- letter thing.- No -no please -don't." He was already reading it " "And It mentions me..." "I- I can explain!" "What that you wrote this creepy letter so I would find it and talk to you?" "Wh-at-no I- mean Kinda -actually yes. BUt I can explain no- really!" "Okay Hansen you have my attention. Explain." "Oh we-well I just- It kinda hard- for to to talk to pe-ople and because I- have kinda- bad Anxiety and I don't know I- I just thought we- were similar? And I wanted to get your attention so I don't know I just thought the letter-" "Similar? You think you and me are Similar? Really how?" "Oh well I- I don't know I mean- like- the whole reason I write those -letters- the 'Dear Evan Hansen' thing- it's part of this -thing I do for Therapy. And-" "So you think I'm crazy and need a therapist?" "No- no No sorry no I- I'm sorry I mean- like - I have problems wit-with depression and o-other stuff. So I k-kinda know how it feels to feel isolated and alone in- in a way and i- i dont know about you but when I felt at m-my -when i felt like that I just wished I had someone that kinda understood and could've been there for me." He cant look up at Connor, he didn't even notice when he started staring at the ground but his eyes are firmly planted "What the fuck dude. I don't even know you! You think talking to you just gonna suddenly make all the shit in my life better?" "I- I'm sorry I- didn't mean-" "You have no right to tell me you know how it feels you don't know anything about me." "I- I know I'm sorry. I don't know- I just-thats-kinda why I wanna know you-just the way you carry yourself around i- it just reminds me of how-i look wh-when I was at-a lower point in my life" "Oh so you're my saving grace is that it? Huh? Since you're so much better then me you take pity ?" "No-I" "Whatever Hansen I don't need your shit" He spits out and turns on his heel. No Fuck no He's leaving. "Connor I - I'M SORRY" Its too late he's already gone. He fucked up. He really really messed up this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no. Don't worry Conner's just being a lil bitch hes fine.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor's fine

He drove past the Murphys that night. Yeah he knows its creepy but he doesn't care it's not like he's gonna sleep. They have a gate so he didn't see the driveway, and he didn't try to go up it. But he didn't see any ambulance, so that's a good sign hopefully. He went home doing all he really could do that night; just hope that Connor's alive.

When he get's to school he doesn't see Connor. Fuck. He can barely breathe, what should he do? Oh god. When he turns the corner he sees Zoe. She's just standing at her locker, garbing her jazz band sheet music and idly talking to some girl who shares the locker next to her. She looks okay? Evan did remembered Zoe being a little off fallowing the day's of Connors death. Who wouldn't be? But back when he had more of a crush on Zoe he just noticed that stuff. But she isn't crying and she's acting like she usually would? None of this mattered Evan. He had to go up and talk to her.Okay... okay. He marched right up to her, well he quietly walked over to her, but he was very confident while he did so. "H- Hey Zoe." She stoppes putting her stuff away and looks over to Evan. "I'm sorry do I know you?". Oh right they never had that whole 'sorry about my brother' interaction yesterday. "O-oh uh no-not really. I- I was just wondering if-if Connors- alright?" Her eyes widen. Oh no. "Hey I'll talk to you later Sarah." Evan didn't really noticed that the girl was still even there. "Okay cool. I gotta head to chem anyway. Bye Zo" leaving Evan and Zoe alone. Ironically before Evan would've dreamed of this moment. "Who told you about what happend last night?" His heart sinks. No. "I-I. Oh- god Zoe I- I'm so sorry." "Please if you wanna tell anyone sorry tell my parents. Theyre gonna have to spend almost a grand getting my dad's whole car interior redone." "Wait- what. Is Connor de- okay?" She shoots him a confused look. "Yeeah I think he's fine. He's just at home puking his brains out.-" It was like a ton was lifted off his shoulders. He's alive. Oh thank god he's alive "-yeah My parents were about to literally kill him last night. They found him in my dad's car this morning tho, the thing was covered. It was soo gross I thought I was just gonna throw up from the smell." "So-so Connor's okay?" "Yeah, thankfully he didn't hit anyone or anything so other then never being able to leave our house again he's fine. He should be at school tomorrow. My parents almost made him come today." "We-well I guess that's- g-good." She closes her locker. "So you still haven't answered my question. Who told you?" Oh shit. He doesn't have a good excuse. 'I just had a feeling your brother would try to off himself last night that's all' He's just getting sweatier by the second. "I-Uh-well-i-" "Oh are you a friend of Connor's? or something?" "Huh?". She points to his cast. "It says Connor so." "OH -uh yeah- I mean no- not really. He- did sign it yesterday. That's act-actually why I asked, because Connor j-just seemed upset y-yesterday" She studies him for a second. Probably imagining if Connor would even look at him let alone have a conversation. "He usually is. Well I'm gonnna go I'll see you around...?" "O-h ah Evan. Yeah Evan" "Okay bye Evan." She grabs the rest of her jazz band equipment and heads out to her next class. Just one more day of anguishing wait. 

He was too jittery the next morning to talk to Connor, but he's more then glad to see him. He only got a glance of him when he was walking in; he saw Mr.Murphy dropping him off .Connor's face really looked like he rather be dead. 

Even though he had the block off Evan had to stay after lunch that day anyway, he had to talk to a teacher and work on a project, he wasn't waiting for Connor or anything. The final bell rang and the halls flooded with eager kids ready to get out of there. Connor was right, Evan's not some Angel sent to save him. He should just be happy that Connor's still alive, it's not like if Evan could really help fix most of Connor's problems. He's giving up and going home, it's not like he could've done anything. 

"Hey Hansen! Wait up" He turned around to see Connor jogging up meeting him at the bike racks. "O-h H-Hey Connor..If it's about the other day I-" "No dude. I was a douche. You were just trying to reach out and I shouldn't have told you to fuck off" Connor shifts and rubs his neck. Is he...nervous? "And I thought about what you said about being friend's, it would be kinda... nice to have someone to talk to about this stuff" "F-Friends?" Evan's dumbfounded "Or Mental health bubs or whatever you wanna call it" 

"YEah-oh sorry - uh y-eah that'd be cool" "Sick" They stand there for a moment neither know really what to say. "Uh,sweet ride by the way man" Evan looks down. It was just some cheep BMX bike his mom got him for his 16th birthday instead of a car. "Oh-uh thanks." "I take it you don't drive?" "Kinda- I have m-my license. Just-uh I'm saving up for a car r-right now. So- I can drive but n-not really." "Ah. Same well, kinda. My parents have a car they let me use sometimes . But only when I'm on their 'good' side. " Connor shrugs."So I guess my dad's gonna be picking me up forever" "hhaha t-that sucks." Evan looks around for something else to talk about. He was about to leave anyway. He never really knows how to end a conversation.He gestured to his bike. "W-Well get on then" Connor's eyes widen like a child on Christmas. "Wait are you serious right now?" "It-It was a bad jo-" "Evan" Connor put his hand on his shoulder "No homo I would straight up suck your dick for a ride home. I wanna avoid my dad as much as possible." Evan's face heats up. He tenses and brushs Connor's hands away. "N-No y-ou don't a- at all have to d-do that" Connor pulled out his phone "So it that a yes then? I only live ten minutes away " "Y-Yeah just d-don't..." He starts mumbling. Luckily Connors too busy texting someone to notice. Evan sits down on his bike in the meantime. "Okay.." He slides his phone into his pokect "you ready?" "Y-yeah" He kept his feet on the ground while Connor got on the pegs. He knew Connor was gonna have to hold on to his shoulders for this to work but he still gets spooked when Connor puts his hands on him. Their..their just so big. Not that he ever really noticed the size of Connor's hands or anything. He's not some creepy dude obsessed with hands. 

"Mush!" 

Connor interrupts his thoughts. The first couple petals are wonky but he somewhat maintains balance, it's mainly down hill to the Murphys. "Woooooooohahah" Evan can barely hear Connor through the wind blowing against his ears. "Left up here" He already knows. He sticks out his left arm and turns "hahhahahah you ACTUALLY do that?" "D-drivers safetys important!" Evan yells back over the wind After a couple more turns, and Connor yelling at some other kids walking home they arrive at the Murphys. Connor steps off the bike. "Shit, I didn't think I weighed that much" "H-Huh?" Evan breathed out "You look worn out your face is super red man" "oh u-uh ahhaha y-eah" "Oh" Connor pulled out some paper and a pencil. "Give me your arm for a sec" Evan hesitates "I'm not gonna draw a dick just give me your arm" He sticks his right arm out and Connor scribbles some numbers on the paper "here I almost forgot to give you my number" Evan shakes as he takes the number."T-thanks." He finally looks up at Connor and he smiles. It's so nice to see Connor kinda... happy for once. "Well see you around" He walks off to enter the gate code. Evan just kinda sits there for a second and looks at the number. Hes just never had this happen to him before. Then quickly puts it in his pocket so he doesn't loose it. "Hey Hansen!" He turns to Conner starting up his driveway "Don't forget to fucking text me later!" "I will- w-wait I mean I won't!" Connors already out of sight but he can still hear him faintly laughing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you didn't pick up on basically Connor just got really really drunk and stole his dads car, happens to the best of us. I was gonna go into it more but then gay bike scene. Honestly Connor seems like the type of kid that would ask you for a ride home no matter the circumstance.


	4. Chapter 4

He gets home around 3ish. He doesn't know if he should text Connor right away. Like he feels like he should at least wait a couple hours, that's like friend prototypical or something right? He kills time how he usually does sit around do homework that's not due for a while, watching whatever on tv while hes downstairs. His mom actually gets home before he goes to bed. He's sitting at the table reading a book assigned for AP lit. "Hey Ev," Her voice warms the kitchen. "how was your day?" "Hey mom, good, good." He doesn't really look up but he can hear the exhaustion in her voice. "Well that's good sweety. You ate today right?" "Well when I got home I just wasn't that hungry-" "Evan. You need to eat. I'll make you something right now it's fine. What do you want? We have frozen pizza, I could make you some pasta?" He's really fine he ate this morning she doesn't need to go out of her way to cook for him. "Mom it's okay, really. I ate at school" He didn't, he still can't work up the courage to go in the cafeteria that place is a death trap. She sighs and puts down the box of dry pasta she grabbed. "Okay. I just worry about you that's all. You're a growing boy you need to eat." "I do mom really. W-when I'm hunger I-I eat I'm not starving myself or something." She gives him another concerned look. "I know honey. I'm gonna be gone tomorrow by the way till 3. I have a late shift and then school so. But I'll leave you money on the counter, maybe be you could get Jared or someone to come over tomorrow?" He gulps. He knows where this is going. He starts to make a quick escape and pushes in his chair. "uh, yeah maybe. We'll see." He was almost to the doorway. "Or maybe this Connor?" Oh shit. He turns around "Uh- I I don't think Connor would really w- wanna hang out mom." "I mean you are his Senior buddy." Oh yeah that "Haha y-yeah. H-Hey Mom I'm gonna go to bed. I love you." "Love you too honey. Hope you get some rest." He's out. It finally dawns upon him that he still hasn't text Connor. Oh shit. He he speeds up to his room to get his phone. It's already 10, he probably went to sleep. He pulls out the paper, it was worth a shot. He spends awhile just trying to figure what to say. Its just a hello it's not that complex. He was gonna send something along the lines of 'Hey Connor. Sorry I forgot to text you I just got too busy with homework but I hope you're up. I didn't forget sorry if you already went to bed though, you'll see this in the morning' but that was too long and formal. He doesn't really have time. Why are his hands getting so sweaty? He should probably send him something soon.

917-209-9843: Sup dog it's Evan. 

His phones silent for about 5 minutes. Maybe he's not awake? Oh god he's probably is awake and read it. He's never gonna talk to Evan again. Evan's phone lights up. It's Connor, he still replied.  
917-697-4210: hey homesinis  
917-697-4210: also Evan i dont know how to break this to u but its not 1983 teens don't really say 'dog' to each other 

Homedawg Evan: Haha I know, I panicked. 

Connor Murphy: so wyd?

Evan doesn't text people that often so he actually had to look up what 'wyd' meant. oh. He finally reply's

Homedawg Evan: Homework. How about you?

Connor Murphy: lol of course 

Evan wounders what that's supposed to mean. He also wonders what to say next, he doesn't really know what to talk about. Yeah sure he's thought about how conversations with Connor would go, what he would be like. But now that's it happening he really doesn't know what to talk about. He know's how Connor was before he died yeah, but he only really knows Connor how the Murphys knew Connor. Not what type of person he was or what actual interest he might have had. Oh he could tell him about that thing that happened with his mom yesterday. He was the one who signed his cast after all.  
Homedawg Evan: Oh you wanna hear a funny story?

Connor Murphy: sure

Homedawg Evan: So my mom asked about my cast. So I panicked and I don't know why but I told her that I was Connor's Serinor buddy and after I showed you around the school you signed my cast.

Connor Murphy: ahah why didnt u just tell her?? r u embarrassed that ur mom knows you have friends? 

Homedawg Evan: No of course not sorry. I probably should've just told her.

Homedawg Evan: I don't know if you figured it out but I don't really have many friends. Other then Jared but he's a family friends so he doesn't really count 

Homedawg Evan: So when my mom ever brings up anything related to friends or being social I usually panic 

Connor Murphy: dude has Jared even talk to u since that day?

Connor Murphy: Make sense i feel i usually freak out when my parents try to talk to me too 

Homedawg Evan: yeah sorry, I'm just not used the the whole friends thing

Homedawg Evan: Oh god no. The only reason he hung out was me was so his parents would pay for his car insurance. He TOLD me that 

Connor Murphy: wtf? his parents set that up? wtf? that sucks you got jewd on the deal

Evan started to tell him about how the whole deal got set up. It was at Jared's 17th birthday when he got a car and he was pissed about having to pay for gas and car insurance, even though his parents bought him a car. He losses track of time after a while. Surprising Connor and him have stuff in common. Like they both listen to rock, well Connors listens to mainly punk rock and metal, the best part is Connor also is into trees! Kinda. He's into art and does a lot of landscape paintings, he said mainly because he hates doing portraits for some reason. He stretches out and finally notices it almost 12. Oh he should go to bed soon. Connor was telling him about the type of cars his dad has. He's seen most of them before, Mr.Murphy made sure to show him. 

Connor Murphy: my dads pride and fucking joy tho is his 69 mustang forsure. 

Connor murphy: he put that thing together he would straight up get a birth certificate and adopt it if he could

Homedawg Evan: Oh is that the one he has to get redone? 

Oh shit. He really shouldn't have said that. He didn't really think about it before he sent it, hes half awake.

Connor Murphy: yea 

Connor Murphy: I'm guessing zoe told you the full story?

Homedawg Evan: Sorry. Not really I didn't really ask after she said you were okay 

Connor Murphy: its whatever youre p not the only person she told

Connor Murphy: u didnt miss much tho me and my dad had a fight again i was pissed waited till they went to bed raided their liquid cabinet and left

Connor Murphy: so a typical tuesday in the Murphy household

Homedawg Evan: I'm so sorry. You didn't drive did you? 

He already knew the answer .  
Connor Murphy: no i walked home then got in my dads car and thew up everywhere

Homedawg Evan: Sorry. Its just not safe 

Homedawg Evan: I wasn't trying to dad you sorry

Connor Murphy: lmao my actual dads first concern when they found me was his car so 

Connor Murphy: ik it was super dangerous and dumb but honestly i really didn't care

Connor Murphy: i truly thought about killing my self that night 

Connor Murphy: i was thinking of just driving off some cliff or along those lines keeping classic

Even just having Connor confirm it is heart breaking. He knew it but he at least tried to keep the thought back of his head . Homedawg 

Evan: I'm so sorry I wasn't there Connor. I don't know if it means anything but Im glad you didn't 

Connor Murphy: Thanks idk it just really really feels like no one would miss me the only people who would notice would be my family.

Evan wishes he could tell Connor just how wrong he was but he re-framed. 

Homedawg Evan: Connor of course people would care. And I know it doesn't seem like it but deep down I know your family loves you

Homedawg Evan : Theres just so much stuff you're whole family needs to work thru and how they treat you is terrible but its not your fault at all. And Im sure they love you and would surely miss you if anything even happened 

Connor Murphy: it sure as hell dosen't feel like it fuck even zoe pretends to not know me at school 

Connor Murphy: ik theyre all embarrassed by me 

Homedawg Evan: I mean Zoe's a teenage girl aren't they kinda just like that 

Homedawg Evan: dude I know your parents are proud of you just keep pushing thru. 

Homedawg Evan: I wish I had the answers right now and I wish you were in a better environment but things really are gonna get better 

Homedawg Evan: I don't think you'll be living with your parents forever so at least threes that light at the end of the tunnel 

Homedawg Evan: and you have so much potential Connor not even like in a 'I think you have a career ahead of you' way. You have so much to offer the world you're really funny and unique and intelligent. it be a world tragedy if you died 

Connor Murphy: hopefully yeah and by unique you mean 'crazy' 

Homedawg Evan: No no sorry I mean like you have a personality you're not vapid and bland you think and talk about the most wildest interesting shit no one ever thinks of and that's pretty amazing 

Connor Murphy: thanks

Connor Murphy: like actually thanks Evan it helps a little to talk about this bullshit wit someone

His chest feels warm, is this what real friendship feels like? 

Connor Murphy: well its past my bed time night Evan

Homedawg Evan: Oh Good night Connor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took a sec I'm back to writing this mussy shit. I feel the contrast between Evan's and Connors contact names for each other would be night and day. Also Evans probably the type to give life advice when his is in shambles


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My favorite part of catcher in the rye is when he caught all the rye

He woke up kinda early. Well 4 am isn't really that early for Evan. His internal clock naturally wakes him up around 3 or 4 am, so the extra hour is kinda nice. He goes thru his normal routine, takes a shower, gets dressed, take his meds. He doesn't really know if he should go off them, given his current...situation, plus they kinda help. His mom wakes up by the time he's eating breakfast. She apologizes for having to be gone so late, he tell's her it's really fine. Even when Evan's dad was in the picture his mother wasn't really around, he's used to it. She of course asks about his weekend plans and a chill runs up his spine. He tried to brush it off, mumbling about homework. She insisted someone spend the night and he told her he'll ask Jared or something.

"I don't mean to be pushy Ev, I just don't like the idea of you alone that's all. " She comes up behind him and tosses his hair 

He lightly brushes her hand away and straightens it. "I know mom. I'm 17 though I feel like I could- take care of myself." He says putting away his dishes. 

"Okay then" She sighs "honey, well I'm off. There's money on the counter, call me if you need anything. " She calls out walking out the kitchen. He knows she means well, maybe he shouldn't be so rude about it when she brings it up. But still it always makes Evan feel a thousand times better to be reminded about the fact that he doesn't really have any friends. 

He doesn't really see Connor that morning not that he was searching for him. Him and Connor aren't really friends so he didn't really expect Connor to really come up and talk to him. Well he did say that they were kinda friends but Evan doesn't really know he could just feel bad for him. And maybe he finally snapped out of it last night and realize he signed up to be friends with _Evan Hansen ___local freak. Or maybe he's just running late.

He plays it safe and just goes thru his routine. He goes to the library for brunch and usually for lunch, its quiet and no one's really there and he doesn't get lunch that often so it was never really a problem. Except student council is in the library planing some homecoming rally. He walks around for a little while. The halls are way to loud and crowded, he would just go to his next block but he has it off. Yeah he could could go home but the thought of getting caught leaving early is enough to stop him from trying. His loop around the school ends by the back of the gym near the track. He can probably hang out on the bleachers without being bothered. Surprisingly no one really comes out here for lunch, maybe because the weather is unbearable most of the year but its not too cold yet. It's actually nice out here the school used some money to remodel the football field a couple years ago, they even put in some new bleachers along with some London plane trees to fill in the space between the gym and the track. Evan personally thought they should've put in Red maple but at least they did something out here. Speaking of which Evan finally notices Connor sitting under one of the trees next to the bleachers, not really doing anything other then zoning off into space. Should he go up to him? No he clearly doesn't wanna be bothered he looks busy. But Connors kinda sitting right in his way to the bleachers, it would be rude not to at least say hi. He finally continues walking, when did his legs get so heavy? After what feels like an eternity he's almost right in front of connor, he can't really will him self to look at him. "H-HE-y C- Connor" He doesn't hear a response so he picks up his step. He runs the hell behind the bleachers,finally getting a second to calm down. Okay, he peaks his head out. Connor really hasen't moved or anything. Oh god he's pissed. He never wanted to be his friend in the first place why is he bugging him?He should just leave. He starts pacing. Evans a loser why would he wanna talk to him in public. Oh god. He'll make a break for- 

"You know I can see your antsy ass from here." Connor's yelling interrupts his thoughts He peaks his head out. Connor had sat up and was going through his bag. He calmly and collectively walks over, shifting his backpack. "H-hey, I uh I didn't think y-you saw me so-" "I was thinking about some stuff. Hey It's not Friday is it?" He breaks from searching though his bag. "Uh, yeah? I think it's the 6th. F-Friday the sixth." Connors eye's widen. "Shit shit shit shit. " He starts mumbling under his breath. "W-Why what's wrong?" "My fucking stupid catcher in the fucking rye essay is due today." "Oh" "Yeah I haven't even finished the stupid book yet." He finally finds what he's looking for, he pulls out the book and his student laptop the school issued them. "You've read this bullshit right?" 

Connors says lifting up the book. He doesn't know why but he takes it. "Y-yeah, I-I read it, uh, junior year. It was okay... I'm s-surprised you don't like it." He flips through it to look busy. "Pfff why?" "O-Oh I-um, I- I don't know it t-talks about be-feeling like an out cast and isolated. I- I don't know I- kinda thought it was int-interesting. I-it's stupid I-" "Yeah but the difference is I'm not a winy bitch about it. And nothing happens like the entire book." 

"Haha yeah," He tries to give out a causal, but cringes at how high pitched it sounded "I don't remember most of it, but I, uh. Could h-help you write it? "Dude" Connor looks up up from his laptop. "Please help me fucking write this." "O-Okay what's the prompt?" "Uhhh" He goes through his bag again, pulling out a sheet of paper. 

"Holden’s search or struggle throughout the novel, assess to what extent it succeeds, and analyze how it contributes to the meaning of the work as a whole." 

"O-oh that's n-not that bad. S-So Holden search- or h-his struggle begins when he runs away, he's always running a-away from his responsibilities and growing up." "Oh that's good." Connor starts trying "H-Hey don't quote me word from word." "Here" Connor slides over a little. "Sit" Evan stands there for a second unsure, finally he sit's across from Connor. Connor glaces up from his laptop. "I don't have rabies or something." "O-Oh N-no sorry. I didn't mean to- I just didn't know if-" "I think this tree can support the both of us, unless you have PTSD." Evan rubs his cast "O-Oh ahah y-yeah...R-Right" He moves move next to connor carefully trying not to touch him or bump into him or anything. 

They finish up the essay seconds before the bell rings. "Y-yess. You d-don't have to print this d-do you?" "Nah" He slides his laptop back into his bag and slings it over his shoulders. "W-Well s-see ya" Evan dosen't really get up, he was planing to leave after Connor so then they don't have that awkward moment where they go the same direction and Connor thinks he's fallowing him." Aw, Come on youre not gonna walk me to my next block? New york is dangerous I could get stabbed from here to English." "O-Oh sorry, I didn't mean to sound like t-that." "It's cool." He extents out his hand. Evan takes it getting up. 

"Thanks for the help by the way." "O-Oh no problem a-anytime." Evan smiles, he's never really noticed but Connor has a really delicate face. He's pretty pale, not thats a bad thing Evan him self is kinda translucent. But his dark circles and smile lines really come out. But it also brings out his eyes and his lips... He should't be thinking about his face or his li-"Hey Evan... Can I have my hand back?" "Huh?" He looks down realizing he hasn't let go "O-Oh ShIt SO-Sorry." He jumps pulling his hand away. He looks down hoping to hide his rending face "W-we s-should go" He begins walking towards the hallway. He should probably bring up something to talk about. "S-So uh, y-you guys reviewing catcher in the r-rye or somthing? " Evan mumbles off the question hoping it's not too invasive 

"Oh, Nah failed junior English the first time " it was "Oh, I-I'm so sorry, I shouldn't asked sorry!" He rambles out, staring back at his feet. Connor chuckles. "It's whatever. I didn't show up so." 

"Anyway" Connor clears his throat "-since it's Friday I was wondering." Connor get's the door for him since he almost runs into it "If you would wanna hang out after school today? If you don't have plans?" He jerks his head back up and stares at him. After a while Connor raises his eyebrows in search of a response "OH YE-eah, yes sure. I- I'm down." He says kinda...casually."W-Wait. Are y-you grounded? N -Not that I dontwannahangout-" 

"Pfff" Connor's laugh interrupts him. "It's not like I haven't sunk out before. Plus My dad's working late and my mom's at her wine thing today. I don't know where the fuck Zoe is but I'm sure she won't be home for a while." "Oh, C-cool" Evan says trying to hide a smile. "So, where you wanna meet?" "O-Oh I'm going h-home after this, so uh- you could just come over i-if you want. My mom's g-gone all day." "Yeah sure, where is she?" "O-Oh you know work and stuff." "What about your dad? " Oh. Evan forgot for a second, he hasn't told him 

" O-oh h-he's dead. " He mumbles off. "Oh god I'm.. I'm so sorry-" "It's fine." He cut's him off, he's heard the whole 'so sorry for you loss' sepal before "Really! He uh, p-passed away when I- I was 6. So it's not like I really remember him" 

"That's terrible Evan. I mean I hate mine but still that would fucking suck to grow up with out a dad..Oh shit sorry." "No I-it's r-really fine!" _I don't need the pity_ "-I- I mean at least I have m-my mom still so." They turn the corner. "So,uh" Connor coughs out "Well this is me." he stops next to the door as kids shuffle in."Text me your address." He says as he slips behind the last kid going in "D-Don't worry I will." Connor glaces at Evan one more time as he grabs the door handle "Sick. Its a date" He smirks as he closes the door behind him. Evan's feels his face turning another shade of red, he's really glad the school can't afford doors with windows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ik ik I'm a tease I'll update more often tho so you don't have to wait, the awkarad tension coming v soon. Sorry it's so short i just wanted to update. Also I'm p sure they don't tell you in the musical what happen to Evan's dad so he dead idk. If i'm wrong though please tell me thanks

**Author's Note:**

> I promise it gets more light hearted. 
> 
>  
> 
> Tell me if there's any grammar errors thanks for reading this sad mess


End file.
